Third Night

[wasafreak]

The island still hasn't sunken in, yet, not really. Teddy understands how lucky he is- that he got out of Rapture, that he found Billy, that he has an amazing place to stay- but all the trappings of normalcy throw into sharp relief everything that he's been, however strangely, missing for three days. Fighting for time in the bathroom with Billy's younger brothers in the morning before school, meeting Eli and Cassie and Kate and, yeah, even Tommy to train. The fact that he and Billy are alone so much is amazing- he can touch him whenever he wants, they can ramble on for truly impressive amounts of time over the merits of extended cuts versus the inherent corporate greed involved in their releases, and no one gets annoyed. Billy's bed isn't some Gilligan's Island version of one, and Teddy's slept like the dead for most of two nights in a row. Long nights. Sure, he gets jolted awake once or twice a night by some stab of worry, maybe a nightmare- something that makes him snap to wakefulness and check that Billy's still there. A sense of being disoriented, of not knowing where he is that makes his senses light up and his adrenaline thrum heavy in his head for a few minutes before the sound of Billy's breathing lulls him again. That's kind of normal.

They kiss. A lot. With no interruptions. That is the opposite of normal, and Teddy digs it.

On the third night of his island life, Teddy's still digging it. The bookshelf was kind of a revelation, and out of the stack of things he acquired, he's starting with something called Sleepless by an author whose name he recognizes from some comic books.

It's really sad, but it's really good. At one of it's darker parts, he drops it just far enough that he can look over the tops of the pages at Billy, who's stretched out and intent on his homework.

Adorably intent.

Teddy reaches out with one bare foot and gently digs his big toe into Billy's side.

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[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

"It is," Teddy agrees, nodding a little, hand curling into a loose fist as he leans against the wall. He manages to look back at Billy and isn't prepared for the fresh sting when he does.

"It is important." And it wasn't him. He lets out a rough breath and runs one hand back through his hair before the other meets it, fingers lacing across the back of his neck.

He drops them both and starts for the door.

"I gotta get some air, okay?" he says, eyes downcast and head tilted forward just enough where his bangs mostly block them from view.

[halfscarlet]

"Yeah." Billy watches every move Teddy makes, and as much as he wants to get up and take him in his arms, he knows the best thing is to let Teddy go and work it out on his own.

That doesn't make it any easier. "Okay."

[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

He stops in the doorway, almost turns around, but pushes on ahead and takes the stairs two at a time, going down.

The sound of the door opening and closing doesn't help anything. He's not sure anything will help, really, and he only gets a few steps out before he stops and sits on the porch, drawing his knees up and crossing his arms over them so his fingers can dig into his shoulders.

He could run, probably for miles, just go until he finds something to hit or yell at or anything. He could, but he can't, in the fact of the sudden irrational fear that this is some kind of test, and if he runs from it, or runs too far, he'll disappear or Billy will and then life will be that much worse.

So he sits on the porch and, thank God, doesn't cry.

[halfscarlet]

It seems they've had more discomfort and pain between them in the past few days than they have in the entire time Billy's known Teddy, and if there's anyone he could change it or make sure they never have to go through this again, he would.

He hears the door close as he stands up, but Billy takes what little comfort he can when he doesn't hear Teddy's footsteps taking him away from the cottage. He's angry and hurt and probably can't bear to look at Billy, but Teddy's still there, which means everything.

With nothing to do but wait, Billy heads back to the bed, pulling his book back up with him. He can't concentrate and the numbers blend together as he looks right through the pages, but the only thing he can do is wait.

[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

It takes a while. It takes a while of forcing himself to look at it from every angle, even though the easiest by far is the one where he's pissed and hurt, angry at Billy for not waiting, furious at Tony Stonem for existing, and not exactly pleased with the island's existence.

He's tired. He was tired when he got here and for all that the downtime with Billy has been great, it's only been a few days and now he's tired all over again, right back to feeling wrecked.

He has to remind himself of things, things that he knows but are getting blotted out by the red he's seeing. The time, mostly. The time is so important, except...

If it had been him, would he have done what Billy had? Of course his gut reaction was to say no, but he didn't know. He couldn't know. Or he hoped to hell he didn't ever find out, at least.

Because you were barely here a few hours before I ended it, but I couldn't not, because it's you.

He reminds himself of that, of Billy saying that, and holds onto it.

He doesn't know how long it's been, when he makes his way back upstairs. He stops in the doorway, arms tucked around himself, leaning on one shoulder.

"....hey."

[halfscarlet]

He's done maybe two problems in his homework, both will probably be wrong when he goes back to it later, but as soon as he hears Teddy come in, Billy abandons the work entirely.

"Hey," he responds, moving to sit at the edge of the bed, eyes on Teddy and nerves making his stomach roll.

[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

"...You didn't do anything wrong," Teddy says, then shakes his head.

"Which you know. Which you don't need me to tell you, because- clearly. It's just that I know I haven't been here, for you, but you've been there... every day... for me. So it... the idea of you being with someone else, when we haven't even..." He swallows, the careful, even meter of his words faltering into something a little more broken until they've stopped.

"It just hurts so much, I can't... I'm having trouble with this, Billy, I'm sorry, I just really am."

[halfscarlet]

Billy gets up as Teddy talks, wanting to reach out and comfort Teddy, but he stops short of him, letting him get his words out. None of them are surprising. "I know, and I'd wonder if you were insane if you didn't have a problem. I just..." He sighs, running out of words. "I love you."

[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

He's standing so close, and Teddy wants to much for them to be past this, now, immediately, but it feels like there's something stuck in his chest. He lifts his hand, barely, fingers hooking gently in Billy's pocket, just for a second.

"I love you, too."

[halfscarlet]

That slight touch is enough to calm some of Billy's nerves and his own hand twitches, wanting to reach out to him in turn. "I'm sorry."

[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

Teddy's hand moves over, just enough for the backs of his knuckles to brush against the back of Billy's, and he swallows against the tightness in his throat. It's probably a sign that he's a petty jackass, aka a seventeen year old boy, but the apology helps, even though he knows Billy has nothing to be sorry for.

"It's fine. It'll be... I'll be fine."

[halfscarlet]

"Okay." Billy wants that tentative touch again, even moves his hand out to reach for Teddy. It reminds him too much of those first times they took that step forward from just friends, as they tried to figure out what they wanted. "Just...take all the time you want."

[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

He catches Billy's hand at the wrist and draws it up, pressing his boyfriend's half curled fingers against his mouth and the tip of his nose. It's not a graceful or well thought out gesture, but it isn't meant to be smooth. With all the uncertainty and the hurt feelings, the now-alien sensation of 'figuring things out' with Billy of all people, he just can't stand to see that hesitation. He doesn't know how to blurt it out without sounding like a moron, but seeing Billy want to touch him helps.

Teddy shakes his head a little.

"No," he mumbles, "because I'm not going to waste a single day."

[halfscarlet]

Billy lets out a shaky sigh of relief, his fingers brushing against Teddy's lips as he moves them to cup his cheek. "Me too," he says, bringing his other hand up to rest on Teddy's waist. "I've had a year without you, I don't want to miss anymore time."

[wasafreak.livejournal.com]

Teddy slides his arm around Billy's waist and pulls him close, at the same time as he leans his face into the touch. He just nods a little, pressing his mouth briefly to Billy's palm, before bowing his head to press his face to Billy's neck.

It still hurts. There's still a lot to deal with. It's knowing that they can, though, that lets Teddy discard it, for the moment. He's not going to pretend like it's not there- denial doesn't work so well for him, around Billy- but he's not going to let it stop him from touching him, from being with him, not in that moment.

The familiar smell of Billy's hair and skin and clothes is comforting, and Teddy drops his other hand to slide over Billy's back and shoulders, pulling them closer together still.