wasafreak | Third Night

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billy kaplan

Third Night

The island still hasn't sunken in, yet, not really. Teddy understands how lucky he is- that he got out of Rapture, that he found Billy, that he has an amazing place to stay- but all the trappings of normalcy throw into sharp relief everything that he's been, however strangely, missing for three days. Fighting for time in the bathroom with Billy's younger brothers in the morning before school, meeting Eli and Cassie and Kate and, yeah, even Tommy to train. The fact that he and Billy are alone so much is amazing- he can touch him whenever he wants, they can ramble on for truly impressive amounts of time over the merits of extended cuts versus the inherent corporate greed involved in their releases, and no one gets annoyed. Billy's bed isn't some Gilligan's Island version of one, and Teddy's slept like the dead for most of two nights in a row. Long nights. Sure, he gets jolted awake once or twice a night by some stab of worry, maybe a nightmare- something that makes him snap to wakefulness and check that Billy's still there. A sense of being disoriented, of not knowing where he is that makes his senses light up and his adrenaline thrum heavy in his head for a few minutes before the sound of Billy's breathing lulls him again. That's kind of normal.

They kiss. A lot. With no interruptions. That is the opposite of normal, and Teddy digs it.

On the third night of his island life, Teddy's still digging it. The bookshelf was kind of a revelation, and out of the stack of things he acquired, he's starting with something called Sleepless by an author whose name he recognizes from some comic books.

It's really sad, but it's really good. At one of it's darker parts, he drops it just far enough that he can look over the tops of the pages at Billy, who's stretched out and intent on his homework.

Adorably intent.

Teddy reaches out with one bare foot and gently digs his big toe into Billy's side.

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Intent as he is on his homework, Billy's still very aware of Teddy's presence. It's hard to ignore his warmth, or the sound of pages turning or clothes rustling every time he moves. But it's not distracting, not really, just-- there. He still has to remind himself that he isn't dreaming, that every time he closes his eyes Teddy will still be there when he opens them again.

And he'll always be there for a distraction at just the right time between frustrating sets of problems in his homework. He jerks away from Teddy's foot with a yell that dissolves into a laugh.

"Come on," he says, and gives up on the homework entirely when he throws his pencil at Teddy's chest. "I'm trying to work."

Teddy grins, grabbing idly at the pencil before tucking it behind his ear.

"Yeah? How hard?" he asks, thumbing the dust jacket between the pages of the book and casually setting it off to one side.

"I'm seeing numbers every time I close my eyes," Billy responds. He likes working hard and making sure he does the best work he can, but even he has his limits. "I never thought I'd ever miss Algebra I."

"You've been at it for a while," Teddy points out, nudging his toe into ticklish spot on Billy's other side.

"You should take it easy."

"Stop," Billy protests, unable to help the laughter that spills out as he bats Teddy's foot away. "Alright, fine, what do you want me to do other than my pile of homework?"

"Is that a serious question?" Teddy asks, almost laughing, gaze warm as he sits up and leans forward to close the distance between them, to cover Billy's mouth with his own in a slow, charged kiss.

"Dumb question," Billy says as he returns the kiss, reaching out to curl his hand around the back of Teddy's neck to keep him close. "Really, really dumb question."

He loves that feeling, the slide of Billy's fingers against the nape of his neck. A flush works its way through him and he presses closer, nudging Billy back until his shoulders are flush with the mattress, leaning over him and deepening the kiss, a quiet groan slipping from the back of Teddy's throat.

And still, no interruptions. It's glorious.

Billy reaches out without thinking, pushing his books off the bed as he stretches out beneath Teddy, trying not to think yet again of how long it'd been since he last had the chance to do this with him. Even though he's gotten used to being around Teddy again as though they'd never been apart, it still makes everything just a little better, almost like new.

Except not really, because Teddy's skin is just as warm and familiar as it always is when he slides his hand beneath his shirt.

That first contact raises goosebumps, and Teddy smiles for a moment against Billy's mouth. He shifts his weight, knees carefully lifting and dropping, avoiding anything important or potentially sensitive, until the line of his body from rib to hip is settled against Billy's.

Teddy feels like his heart could conceivably beat its way out of his chest. He's sure Billy can feel it. Curious, he tilts his head to press his mouth against Billy's neck, taking a leisurely moment to taste the salt on his skin and see if he can feel his pulse, there.

Billy lets out a breathy laugh when Teddy hits a ticklish spot, which quickly turns into a moan. He can feel Teddy's heart beating almost as hard as his own, which has always made him feel better when this close.

With Teddy, and with Tony, too. Which reminds him of something he's been putting off, and of course he's reminded of it now, with Teddy so intent on what he's doing.

"Teddy..." Billy's sure Teddy can feel him tense up, and while he knows he's about to totally ruin the mood, he can't go on without saying anything.

That's not normal. Tensing up hasn't been normal since their very earliest fumblings, tentatively figuring out what felt good and what felt amazing, nervously going as far as they dared on someone's couch until someone's parents came home.

He pulls back immediately, not far, lips grazing Billy's cheek as he does, and looks down at his boyfriend with the beginnings of concern.

"Sorry, did- did I-?"

"What? No- no, no way, you're..." Billy trails off, not wanting to say more because the concern in Teddy's eyes is bad enough. "You're perfect."

But the idea of not being honest with Teddy is worse than anything else, and Billy sucks it up. "I just...I have something to tell you."

He has no idea what's coming. His mind spins over for a minute, but the derailment is too sudden for his memory to go very far back. He's mostly aware of Billy, all warm angles right beneath him, the way his hair falls across his forehead. He brushes it back, then drops his hand, keeping himself propped up on his elbows so all of his weight isn't on Billy.

He blushes a little at the compliment, and he'd argue it, but whatever's on Billy's mind is more important, so his objection doesn't go any further than the dark pink spreading across the apples of his cheeks, the tips of his ears.

"Okay," he says quietly, "sure."

"I..." Billy almost can't say it, wanting instead to pull Teddy closer again. He settles for touching Teddy's cheek as the words get caught up in his throat and he has to force them out, knowing they'll hurt. "Had sex. With Tony."

In hindsight, he probably should have had some idea of what was coming.

The first thing that hits is a feeling like lead forming in his stomach and then dropping. He pulls away, unable to stay there, with nowhere to look but at Billy. He slides away to the edge of the bed, hands braced over its edge, feet flat on the floor but not feeling any steadier for it.

The second feeling is one akin to suffocating.

The look in Tony's eyes, the way he'd referenced Billy's mouth, it all seems worse, now. It's stupid and naive, maybe, to have thought that with the break up that meant things were done, that he could just give the other boy a wide enough berth and things would be fine.

This wasn't fine.

Billy never expected this to go anything but painfully, but he still isn't ready for the way Teddy reacts and moves away from him. Like he can't even look at him anymore, and he gets it, he really does. But he can't stand it.

"Teddy..." Billy sits up again, wanting to reach out and touch Teddy, give him some comfort and receive some in turn, but he isn't sure he should.

If he was home, he would have shifted by now, skin changing color and texture until it had become the armor he so badly needed. He wasn't home, though. He wasn't sure when he would be again.

Billy hadn't been home in years.

He knows this, but he doesn't feel it. He knows that Billy wasn't with him for a year, but he doesn't feel it, and so while he knows that that's normal, that he has no right to be angry, that Billy didn't cheat on him-

He can't feel it. What he can feel is a deep and spikey rage clawing at the inside of his chest that's barely being reigned in by the shock and the initial hurt.

He shakes his head a little. He doesn't want to yell, or damage any of the walls of Billy's new place. Although, given the circumstances, he'd probably just end up damaging his hand.

"Just-" He shakes his head again. The longer he keeps the anger quelled, the weaker it gets, and he just feels upset.

"A minute, okay?"

"Yeah, of course," Billy says, drawing his knees up to his chest. He knows Teddy well enough by now - knows the set of his shoulders and the way he controls his voice - to know how upset he truly is, and he hates that. He won't say he regrets it and he doesn't know if he can apologize for it, not if he's being honest, but he hates this, right now, the guilt and hurt he can't do anything but face.

He stands, because being on his feet suddenly seems like a better call than being seated.

On a bed.

He suddenly, desperately doesn't want to know how long Billy's been living here. He takes a few steps toward the window, then away from it. He reaches out and presses his palm flat against the wall, putting a deceptively large amount of pressure into the heel of his hand, trying to steady himself, and all the while makes sure that his back stays to Billy.

"I don't know what-" His throat closes up. He wants to count to three and breathe, or something, but his mind is too full of some kind of terrible white noise.

"I don't know how to... deal... with that information." It's honest, at least, if not very strongly worded.

Billy makes his way to the edge of the bed and sits in the spot Teddy was moments before. It's still warm where his hands clutch the bed and that quickly fading warmth feels closer than Teddy does right now.

"I didn't...expect you to? I just couldn't keep it from you, if we were..." Billy pauses, unsure of the right words. "I said I'd tell you everything, and that's pretty important, so."

"It is," Teddy agrees, nodding a little, hand curling into a loose fist as he leans against the wall. He manages to look back at Billy and isn't prepared for the fresh sting when he does.

"It is important." And it wasn't him. He lets out a rough breath and runs one hand back through his hair before the other meets it, fingers lacing across the back of his neck.

He drops them both and starts for the door.

"I gotta get some air, okay?" he says, eyes downcast and head tilted forward just enough where his bangs mostly block them from view.

"Yeah." Billy watches every move Teddy makes, and as much as he wants to get up and take him in his arms, he knows the best thing is to let Teddy go and work it out on his own.

That doesn't make it any easier. "Okay."

He stops in the doorway, almost turns around, but pushes on ahead and takes the stairs two at a time, going down.

The sound of the door opening and closing doesn't help anything. He's not sure anything will help, really, and he only gets a few steps out before he stops and sits on the porch, drawing his knees up and crossing his arms over them so his fingers can dig into his shoulders.

He could run, probably for miles, just go until he finds something to hit or yell at or anything. He could, but he can't, in the fact of the sudden irrational fear that this is some kind of test, and if he runs from it, or runs too far, he'll disappear or Billy will and then life will be that much worse.

So he sits on the porch and, thank God, doesn't cry.

It seems they've had more discomfort and pain between them in the past few days than they have in the entire time Billy's known Teddy, and if there's anyone he could change it or make sure they never have to go through this again, he would.

He hears the door close as he stands up, but Billy takes what little comfort he can when he doesn't hear Teddy's footsteps taking him away from the cottage. He's angry and hurt and probably can't bear to look at Billy, but Teddy's still there, which means everything.

With nothing to do but wait, Billy heads back to the bed, pulling his book back up with him. He can't concentrate and the numbers blend together as he looks right through the pages, but the only thing he can do is wait.

It takes a while. It takes a while of forcing himself to look at it from every angle, even though the easiest by far is the one where he's pissed and hurt, angry at Billy for not waiting, furious at Tony Stonem for existing, and not exactly pleased with the island's existence.

He's tired. He was tired when he got here and for all that the downtime with Billy has been great, it's only been a few days and now he's tired all over again, right back to feeling wrecked.

He has to remind himself of things, things that he knows but are getting blotted out by the red he's seeing. The time, mostly. The time is so important, except...

If it had been him, would he have done what Billy had? Of course his gut reaction was to say no, but he didn't know. He couldn't know. Or he hoped to hell he didn't ever find out, at least.

Because you were barely here a few hours before I ended it, but I couldn't not, because it's you.

He reminds himself of that, of Billy saying that, and holds onto it.

He doesn't know how long it's been, when he makes his way back upstairs. He stops in the doorway, arms tucked around himself, leaning on one shoulder.

"....hey."

He's done maybe two problems in his homework, both will probably be wrong when he goes back to it later, but as soon as he hears Teddy come in, Billy abandons the work entirely.

"Hey," he responds, moving to sit at the edge of the bed, eyes on Teddy and nerves making his stomach roll.

"...You didn't do anything wrong," Teddy says, then shakes his head.

"Which you know. Which you don't need me to tell you, because- clearly. It's just that I know I haven't been here, for you, but you've been there... every day... for me. So it... the idea of you being with someone else, when we haven't even..." He swallows, the careful, even meter of his words faltering into something a little more broken until they've stopped.

"It just hurts so much, I can't... I'm having trouble with this, Billy, I'm sorry, I just really am."

Billy gets up as Teddy talks, wanting to reach out and comfort Teddy, but he stops short of him, letting him get his words out. None of them are surprising. "I know, and I'd wonder if you were insane if you didn't have a problem. I just..." He sighs, running out of words. "I love you."

He's standing so close, and Teddy wants to much for them to be past this, now, immediately, but it feels like there's something stuck in his chest. He lifts his hand, barely, fingers hooking gently in Billy's pocket, just for a second.

"I love you, too."

That slight touch is enough to calm some of Billy's nerves and his own hand twitches, wanting to reach out to him in turn. "I'm sorry."

Teddy's hand moves over, just enough for the backs of his knuckles to brush against the back of Billy's, and he swallows against the tightness in his throat. It's probably a sign that he's a petty jackass, aka a seventeen year old boy, but the apology helps, even though he knows Billy has nothing to be sorry for.

"It's fine. It'll be... I'll be fine."

"Okay." Billy wants that tentative touch again, even moves his hand out to reach for Teddy. It reminds him too much of those first times they took that step forward from just friends, as they tried to figure out what they wanted. "Just...take all the time you want."

He catches Billy's hand at the wrist and draws it up, pressing his boyfriend's half curled fingers against his mouth and the tip of his nose. It's not a graceful or well thought out gesture, but it isn't meant to be smooth. With all the uncertainty and the hurt feelings, the now-alien sensation of 'figuring things out' with Billy of all people, he just can't stand to see that hesitation. He doesn't know how to blurt it out without sounding like a moron, but seeing Billy want to touch him helps.

Teddy shakes his head a little.

"No," he mumbles, "because I'm not going to waste a single day."

Billy lets out a shaky sigh of relief, his fingers brushing against Teddy's lips as he moves them to cup his cheek. "Me too," he says, bringing his other hand up to rest on Teddy's waist. "I've had a year without you, I don't want to miss anymore time."

Teddy slides his arm around Billy's waist and pulls him close, at the same time as he leans his face into the touch. He just nods a little, pressing his mouth briefly to Billy's palm, before bowing his head to press his face to Billy's neck.

It still hurts. There's still a lot to deal with. It's knowing that they can, though, that lets Teddy discard it, for the moment. He's not going to pretend like it's not there- denial doesn't work so well for him, around Billy- but he's not going to let it stop him from touching him, from being with him, not in that moment.

The familiar smell of Billy's hair and skin and clothes is comforting, and Teddy drops his other hand to slide over Billy's back and shoulders, pulling them closer together still.

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Third Night

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